Salad, anyone?
by KatrinaEagle
Summary: Mr. D is replaced with two fangirls bent on having their fun. Poor Percy. Poor Annabeth. Poor Camp Half Blood. But very good fun. Includes Randomness, Combat Boots, X-overs and lots of fun! R&R! You won't be sorry!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer and A/N: I do not own PJO, Alex Rider and Harry Potter. I also do not like writing disclaimers and will not be writing anymore after this.**

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Percy decided to go back to camp. Monsters had been attacking right left and center and he was just tired. Exhausted. _And you want to see Annabeth_, a little voice sang in his head. He told that voice to sock it.

So he had said Goodbye to his mother, called Annabeth (who would be joining him, since monsters also annoyed her) and bought a sack of apples for Grover. He glanced at his watch and waited for Annabeth to arrive. "Hey," she said sometime later, getting out of her dad's car. "Goodbye, dad. See you next year." Frederick Chase just nodded. As soon as she had waved her dad out of sight, she turned back to Percy. "Seaweed Brain!" she cried happily, pulling him into a hug. "Glad to see you to, Wise Girl." he replied, patting her on the head. "Now let's go to Camp."

They decided to use the Gray Sisters Taxi again, just for fun. When he got out of the taxi, Percy was shaking. "That's even better than going for the roller coaster!" he gasped. Annabeth giggled a little shakily. "You're right... Haha..." And stumbling, they made their way up the hill.

There they met Chiron. He had a grim look on his face. Percy's and Annabeth's grins faltered. "What's wrong, Chiron? Monsters?" Chiron smiled a little sadly. "No, Percy, not quite. Something much worse." Worse than monsters?? The two teenagers looked at each other, horrified. Percy took out his pen. "Oh, no, Percy, not like that." Chiron sighed a little. "Come to the Big House. She would like to see you." "She? Who?" Percy spluttered, a little nervous. "Mr. D's replacement." "Replacement? Where'd he go?" Annabeth asked. "Ah... Here we are." He said, avoiding her question. The doors slowly swung open. "Now, go in. And remember to be polite." Chiron ushered them in. The doors closed.

"Ah. There you are. Percy Jackson. Annabeth Chase. So lovely to see you." A girl's voice floated through the darkness. Then, out of the shadows appeared a girl. Percy's jaw dropped. "YOU'RE MR. D'S REPLACEMENT??" He asked, shocked. The girl standing in front of them was about their age, fourteen or so. She wore a black halter top with skinny jeans, and a hoodie jacket was loosely draped over her shoulders. Her shoulder-length black hair had green highlights. And she looked annoyed. " I see you still have politeness issues." She stated. "But I will forgive you. Now, let's have some fun!" Her face brightened up. "You." she pointed to Annabeth, "You will temporarily stay in Cabin 3." "WHAAT?!" Annabeth squealed. "But I can't! Camp rules-" The girl held a hand up. "I am now Camp Director, Annabeth, and I suppose, as Camp Director, I have the right to tweak the rules a bit, for -ah- special circumstances?" She nodded knowingly. Annabeth spluttered. "Who are you?" Percy piped up suddenly. "Oh!" the girl gasped. " I forgot to introduce myself!" She readjusted her jacket and cleared her throat. "You may call me Chopsticks." Percy and Annabeth gaped, open-mouthed. "And this-" she pointed at another in the shadows whom they hadn't noticed, "is Jade." Jade looked much more normal than Chopsticks. Not considering her turquoise hair, that is. Her name sounded much more normal too. She smiled at them, looking relaxed in her t-shirt and jeans. Well, normal people don't usually carry daggers around in their pockets. Oh, wait. Annabeth does that. Okay, she's normal. "You may go now." Chopsticks said rather grandly, and the doors flung open. "Thank you." Annabeth gushed, looking rather relieved. They turned around. "Oh! And Percy!" Jade called out. Percy turned around. "If you pass Riptide through us, we won't disintegrate, die, or bleed golden blood. Get your head around that." Percy nodded, a little confused. When the door slammed shut, Chopsticks and Jade grinned at each other. Camp would be a_ whole_ lot more fun.

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Yay! Chapter one! Review and I'll write more! So click that blue/purple button down there... And you'll be rewarded with cookies, milk and more fanfic!

And also drop me some ideas if you want!


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** Thank you, my dear reviewers! It feels so good to have your work appreciated! I love you guys!! Anyway, another **Disclaimer**, because I didn't mention **I DON'T OWN FULL METAL ALCHEMIST**. Thank you! **A/N end.**

Percy looked troubled. Annabeth nudged him. "What's up?" He shook his head and fell silent. Then he said quietly, "They're mortal." "What?" "They're mortal, Annabeth! That's what she said! Remember? She said that if I pass Riptide through them, they won't disintegrate, die, or bleed golden blood. So that must mean that they're mortal!" Annabeth looked away. "I don't like this, Percy. If mortals can... walk in and kick Mr. D out, well..." They looked at each other, not saying anything. Then they turned and sprinted towards the cabins.

Annabeth slammed open the door to find all her brothers and sisters lounging about, talking about strategic war. "Annabeth!" they cried as soon as they saw her. "But... What...? I mean... Mr. D..." She trailed off, confused. "I know!" her brother cried, "You know that Chopsticks woman? She's mortal! And she carries shotguns!" "Shotguns...? What about Mr. D?" "Oh, he's on two week's vacation. That's why _they_ came." whispered one of her sisters dramatically. "Right... Okay... Wait... I'll just find Percy..." Annabeth murmured, desperately trying to grasp the fact that _there was nothing wrong with camp_. If those two girls had been evil or bent on destroying the camp, they would've done it sooner. She stumbled out of the cabin and let her legs take her to Cabin 3.

Percy slammed open the door, expecting some kind of monster. But lounging on the bunk next to his, was a boy with fair hair listening to his iPod and reading a book. He scowled. "You're kinda noisy, aren't you?" Percy just gaped. "WHAT IN THE HADES??"he screamed, pointing and backing away, because his brain just processed something: this guy was reading a book. A novel. _An English novel._ He can't be dyslexic. He's mortal. "I would ask you to use that name with caution, Percy." said a cold voice behind him whom he recognized as Nico di Angelo. "NICO! This guy--He's mortal! And just now those two _girls_ said--" He stopped when Nico held up his hand. "Alex?" Nico asked, looking at the boy. "Right. So he's my cabin mate? Like, the Son of the Sea God and all?" The boy, Alex, asked, looking Percy up and down. Percy felt stupid all of a sudden. "I'm Alex Rider." Percy looked at his outstretched hand like it was a dried pudding. "You're not a demigod." Alex raised an eyebrow. "Meaning...?" "You're mortal. Why are you here? I thought the barriers..." Percy trailed off. "Oh. Mr. D let the girls in. Then he also let you in." He said, his brain working furiously. Alex rolled his eyes. "He's a genius!" He said sarcastically, then he turned back to his book. Percy sat down and put his head into his hands. Nico walked over, worried. "Percy, you okay?" "Oh, yeah. Sure. Everything is just peachy." Percy gave a hollow laugh. "It's great. We have mortal girls running camp, and I just noticed that I have a new, mortal bunk mate with the body of an athlete-" "You looked at my body?" Alex turned around, horrified. Percy's head popped up. "What- Yeah, I did- NO NOT IN _THAT_ SENSE!! That is SICK!" He yelled. He reached for the door, while Annabeth flung the door wide open and walked- into Percy. Their heads crashed together with a resounding crack and they slumped to the floor. Nico looked at Alex. Alex shrugged. "At least that saves us the effort of knocking them out." He stated.

Meanwhile, Jade shuffled through some letters. "Bills... Bills... Brochure... Bills... Letter... Bills... A-hah!" Triumph, she snatched up a pink envelope from the pile. "Chopsticks! I got it!" "You did?" asked the girl lazily, picking at the ribbon on her shirt. "Yup! Transfer form... for Alex Rider, Harry Potter and what's this..." Jade squinted at the printed paper. "An Edward Elric and Envy." She looked up. "Where are they from?" Chopsticks rolled over to face Jade. She looked stunned. "You don't know Edo?" "Edo?" "Ed, Edward, Edo, Chibi-chan..." Chopsticks recited all his nicknames. "Hageno o-chibi-san..." Jade help up -both- her hands to stop her. "Who is he? Is he even supposed to be in the story?" Chopsticks brightened up. "Oh, that won't scare the readers. All they need to know is Edo is sensitive about his height. As long as Percy doesn't call him short, I don't think it'll influence the story much." "Huh. You sure about this?" "Oh yeah. But then Envy might be a problem." "Why?" "Jade! Read FullMetal Alchemist! Or at least watch the anime!" Chopsticks yelled, brandishing a book in front of Jade. "Stop! Evil-doer! You shall not terrorize this young lady any longer!" A voice cried from the doorway. Jade and Chopsticks froze. Standing proudly at the door was a boy. And he was short. Very short. In fact, he was so short- "WHO IS THINKING I'M SHORT?! I AM NOT SHORT!! I'M 17!! I'M JUST FUN-SIZED!!" he screamed at no one in particular. "Jade," Chopsticks sighed, getting up from her comfy sofa. "Meet Edward Elric."

Jade stared at the boy who was quietly sipping his tea. Okay, scratch that. Edward is _never_ quiet. His right arm and left leg was metal. "Auto-mail." He corrected. His blond hair was tied into a braid. He looked girlish. Suddenly the door slammed opened again. "CHIBI-SAN!!" the figure yelled from the doorway. "I'M HEERRRRREEEE!!" Chopsticks sank down to the floor. "Oh my god no..." Edward jumped up. "AUGH!!" Jade's cup of tea shattered onto the floor, and it lay there forgotten. Standing before them was a person. "Envy." Chopsticks presented the Mystery Man. "He's a male." Jade looked back at him. He did not, in fact, look anything like a male. He looked even more girlish than Ed, who was wearing _tight leather pants_. Except for the lack of boobs, he looked like a female hooker. His green hair defied gravity and floated after his extremely thin body. He was dressed in a shirt that showed off his flat stomach and- "Why is he wearing a skirt?" Envy turned purple, same color as his eyes. "IT'S NOT A SKIRT!! IT'S A SKORT! SKIRT SHORTS! DO YOU UNDERSTAND, YOU STUPID WOMAN?!" He shrieked, furious. Jade blinked and turned to Chopsticks. "This anime's characters all have screaming issues, huh?" Chopsticks sighed. "I thought it would be an amusing addition..."

Dinner. Oh great. Percy felt used. Well, still. He's a hero. He's_ supposed to_ be used by the gods. But somehow those two mortal girls freaked him out. Just before dinner, when he was taking a bath -_in a boy's shower! Fer Christ's sakes!_- when someone called him. "PERCY JACKSON!!" Percy yelped and willed the steam to cover his... ahem. Then he turned around. And suddenly he wished hadn't. Jade was Iris-messaging him. He choked back his scream. "I can only see your face, you ninny! Now, stop blushing and pay attention! I've got something I need to tell you." Jade said urgently. "Tonight, at the dinner, Chopsticks will announce it to the whole camp. Well, actually it was _my_ idea, but she does all the talking." Jade shrugged. "Anyway, the point is, we can't have you looking like an idiot, so I thought I'll just tell you. In advance. Remember, the audience always likes a good show. The more dramatic the better." She was about to disconnect when Percy spoke up. "No, wait! What are you talking about?" he asked. "_What_ do you plan to tell camp?" Jade looked at him, eyes darkening. "You thought we were joking? This is serious matter, Percy." And with that, she disconnected the line. He just stared at the wall until Alex pounded at the door yelling something about hogging the bathroom. So that was it. That explained why the minute he stepped into the mess hall, the two mortal girls turned their eyes on him. And obviously they were scheming something. The hairs on his neck stood up. They really were freaking him out.

Chopsticks cleared her throat and silence fell throughout the hall. Annabeth wondered what she had to do to make such an impression. Even Mr. D wasn't greeted with such enthusiasm. "Tonight, we have new guests!" she started, and the campers started murmuring to themselves. "First off, Harry Potter! Although, I think most of you will know him." She smiled. The campers roared. Harry appeared in a puff of smoke and looked around. "Clarisse!" Chopsticks yelled over the din. "He will be staying in the Ares cabin for a while, so take good care of him, okay?" she winked. Clarisse smirked and winked back. Oh yes. Harry Potter is in _very_ good hands. "Next! Alex Rider!" More cheers. The campers went wild. Alex bounded up to the stage and waved. "He will be staying in Cabin 3." Alex leaped off the stage and landed neatly on the table. The campers went wild. "That's it! Everybody STOP!" Chopsticks yelled, whipping out a very dangerous looking shotgun. She was breathing fast. One of the younger campers in the Aphrodite cabin twitched. She turned and pulled the trigger. The bullet missed his feet by inches. The hall went deadly quiet, their ears still ringing from the gunshot. Then she cleared her throat. "As I was saying, we have new campers. Let me introduce-Envy!" The green-haired person bounded on stage. "He will be staying in the Aphrodite cabin." Someone yelled, "She's a he? Why's he wearing a skirt?" "IT'S A SKORT!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND? SKORT!!" Envy screamed, looking like he was going to burst out into tears. "Envy, just... go." Chopsticks soothed him. He blinked once and grinned. Oh yes, Envy was back. He strutted over to the Aphrodite cabin, smirking. The sons and daughters of Aphrodite nodded. He was good. "And also Edward Elric. He's good at making stuff so he'll be in the Hephaestus' cabin." "He's SHORT!" somebody yelled. Edward leapt off the stage and dragged the person out of the mess hall, snarling and flexing his fingers. "Don't kill him, Ed!" Chopsticks called after him. "Finally that's over..." Jade muttered into Chopsticks' ear. "Now... for the fun part."

"I remember telling Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase," Chopsticks started, "that we have recently taken over Mr. D's place as Camp Director." She glanced over to the Poseidon table. Percy and Alex was engaged in a whispered argument. "-will you just act normal for once?" "What is your problem? I landed on the table!" "Normal people don't jump onto tables, you-" "PERCY JACKSON!!" She yelled. Everybody turned and stared at him. "Whoops." he muttered weakly. Chopsticks ignored him. "As I was saying, we have taken over Mr. D as Camp Director. That means we make all the rules, get it?" "Yes!" the crowd chorused. They didn't look worried. In fact, they looked excited. "So... Let's make a new rule, shall we?" There was an evil glint in her eyes that told Percy to run for it. "Annabeth Chase, from now on you will eat, sleep, train and spend _all your free time_ with Percy Jackson." The campers jumped up and cheered. Annabeth buried her face in her hands. Silena clapped her on her back and shrieked "Go get him, girl! He's all yours!" While the others congratulated her on "hogging her boy", Clarisse did what she did best. "Oi Princess! Don't let him go!" And she went off cackling. Annabeth looked up and stared after her. "That... was weird." She mumbled.

Percy felt like killing himself. Thank the gods Grover isn't here or else he'll be laughing his hooves off. "PERCY!" someone bleated. Speak of the devil... "Hey! G-man! Uh... Why are you here? I thought you were uh... somewhere... not here..." he trailed off. "I found Pan!" He said rather proudly. "And aren't you gonna invite Annabeth over? I mean..." Grover waved his hand in the general direction of the two girls. Jade waved. "I wanna kill them..." He groaned. Somebody plonked Annabeth onto the bench. She looked dazed. Percy just wished they would stop wolf-whistling. Then he saw Jade talking to the Stoll brothers. Oh great. Anything concerning the Stoll brothers is bad news.

Chopsticks cleared her throat. "Now that the announcements have been made, let us begin our dinner!" She declared brightly. As Percy made his way up to the bronze brazier and slipped his piece of pizza in, a thought flashed through his mind. Aphrodite. The goddess of love caused this.

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AHAHA! Cliffy! Actually, I just got tired and decided to stop here. It's two thousand words, that's all you're gonna get from me. For now. :


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Yay! Chapter 3! applause bows Thank you, thank you. Love you all, my kind reviewers, and may Karma be kind to you. Now, I won't be in the way anymore. Read on! **A/N end**

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Percy had to admit, those girls were good. He had never enjoyed a food fight so much. Usually one had a annoying nagging worry at the back of one's head that screamed: DON'T BE CAUGHT! DUCK! I mean, CHICKEN!! Oh man, the teacher! RUN! But here, with _them_ in charge, no such thing happened. I mean, _they_ started it first. Which explained why there was mashed potatoes in his hair. And then Annabeth (when she had recovered enough) dropped green peas in his shirt. Percy also suspected that Alex deliberately slammed apple pie in his face, even though he swore it was for the Stoll brothers. Still, it was fun. Later Chopsticks made those people whom she thought didn't "participate in bonding" clean up the mess hall (Namely, everybody from the Aphrodite cabin and Harry Potter). Boy, was Percy glad he aimed his pizza and soda with amazing accuracy. He will never forget the look on Clarisse's face when she found herself on the floor, having slipped on Percy's pizza slice. Or Grover. He bleated when he found his shirt soaked. Percy grinned to himself. Maybe those mortal girls weren't so bad after all...

"Percy?"

"Yeah?"

"You're grinning like a mad man."

Percy instantly sobered up. Trust a girl to be a kill joy.

"Annabeth?"

"Hmm?"

"You're really staying in my cabin?"

"Well, they did tell the whole camp..."

"And then later threatened us with that crazy shotgun of hers..."

"And Jade threw her dagger..."

"Which landed in the pillar behind you..."

"Within an inch of my face." Annabeth finished, rubbing her cheek. "So yeah, I think I won't risk my life and I'll just crash over your place."

Chopsticks materialized in front of them. "Good going! Thought you guys would never do it. But you guys improve faster than I imagined! Already finishing each other's sentences! Very good, very good..." Percy's face muscle twitched. "Are you Aphrodite?" Chopsticks turned around. "The goddess of love? No, why? I don't even look like her. You should know, you met her before." Annabeth went "OH!" in a tone that screamed "You did? Did you really! I'm going to castrate you with a rusty wooden spoon if I find out that you've been seeing someone else!" Percy ignored her. Either that or he was too male to understand the unspoken feeling in the "OH!". Only females understand the importance of _The Tone of Voice_. Percy continued. "Then why are you trying to keep us together? It's getting annoying." Annabeth went "Oh?" in a sarcastic manner that shouted "So you don't want me around, do you? Why you ! And I'm NOT annoying!" Chopsticks threw her hands up. "I try to get you to understand that Annabeth is THE one for you but nooooooo, you don't appreciate my efforts! Really, the things I do for you! And then now you're blowing me off! Well, _non me ne importa un cavolo!_" She cried, and ran away into the shadows. Only then did Percy feel Annabeth giving him The Daggers. He felt sick all of a sudden. Having two girls pissed at him was NOT a good omen.

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Chopsticks slammed open the door of the Big House and ran to the master bedroom which she shared with Jade. "That... that... that... PARASITE!" She screamed, whipping out her very sharp and very beautiful ivory chopsticks and slammed them into the mahogany table. "Oh my gods, CHOPSTICKS!! DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE THAT IS?!" Jade gasped, having heard her friend's scream from the other room and ran over. "I-DON'T-CARE! STUPID, STUPID PERCY!!" Chopsticks sobbed, poking the wood with her chopsticks. "_Lui ha davvero un chiodo fisso in testa_... But he-" she choked, unable to go on. "Chopsticks..." Jade said slowly, "are you speaking in Italian?" Chopsticks blinked. "Pietoso." she murmured. Jade sucked in her breath. "Chopsticks, I, like the readers, aren't really all that good in Italian, so... please. English." "Oh. I said Sorry." "You only switch into Italian when you're distressed. What. Happened." Soon, Jade had the whole story in between sobs and hiccups, and the occasional demand for chocolate ice-cream. " And then I told him that HE was blowing me off and I _(hic!)_ told him that I won't give a damn about it." Jade pushed Chopsticks a little further. "And after you called him a parasite?" "Huh? Oh yeah, that was the only word fitting enough. Stupid Percy. Obviously he's truly fixated on her, but NOOOOOOO, his stupid male hormones just HAD to tell him to find someone else... Is it that bad, I mean, admitting you love someone whole heartedly, is it that... _embarrassing_?" Chopsticks made a face. Jade sighed and hugged her. "Well, if you just had your secret little crush exposed wide open to everybody, will you feel good?" Chopsticks played with her hair. "So you're saying we shouldn't do this to them?" "_What_? Gods above, NO!" Chopsticks looked confused. "No, we shouldn't; or no, we shouldn't stop and keep this up?" Jade looked up from the tub of ice-cream. "No, we shouldn't stop." Then she brushed some of Chopstick's black hair away from her face. "You okay now?" Chopsticks managed a weak smile. "Yeah. I'm fine now." "Good." Jade nodded her head. "So now I can scream at you." She flashed Chopsticks a rather forced smile. "YOU FINISHED ALL MY ICE-CREAM, DAMN YOU!" Chopsticks jumped up from the bed and ran, with Jade hot on her heels and brandishing the empty tub.

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Harry Potter was having the worst day of his life. He should know, he lives a horrible life. What with being randomly crossed-over into random fanfics and fighting Lord Mouldy-Pants, he was dog tired. Oh, if anybody else was in his place, they would've expired by now. If only Miss. Know-it-all was here. Then maybe she can whip up some awesome hex. Not like he can't do it. He's the best, obviously. It's just that he's kinda tired. Or maybe Ron could use his dim-wittedness and confused those horrible people. Then he could escape. That green-haired new kid in the Aphrodite cabin looked pretty. If only she had boobs. He let a small smile grace his lips. Then he scowled. "Stupid Clarisse. Always asking me to do stuff." He muttered, dunking his mop into the bucket of dirty water. And that Chopsticks woman, too! Stupid girl with the stupid shotgun... What is her problem? Heck, she's even younger than him! "I'm the Boy Who Lived!" He muttered rather angrily. "I should deserve more respect!" "And if you don't shut up you'll be The Boy Who Died with A Dirty Mop Stuck In His censored..." Another voice muttered just as angrily. Harry looked up in surprise. He hadn't thought anybody else was paying him any attention. He wanted some attention. He's the Boy Who Lived, remember? He saw the green-haired newbie next to him, furiously mopping the floor and muttering insults. "...I hit Chibi-san twice in a row with apple pie, then I pawned Jade with vanilla ice-cream, and I also sprayed Coke all over Clarisse. And they said I didn't participate?!" Harry raked his hair up. He was half hoping the girl would notice his scar and ask. Then he could tell her his angsty past. Sigh. He suffered so much. He shook himself to reality and cleared his throat. "Hey." he tried going for the cool, calm approach. "What's your name?" Envy gave him an odd look. "Envy. Didn't you listen to them? I was introduced." Harry shuffled around uncomfortably. Then he remembered he was cool and calm. "Oh, I'm so sorry, my dear." He took hold of Envy's hand. It was rather rough and muscular. He flashed her a grin. Envy tried to pull away. He asked, "Are you trying to hit on me?" Harry felt nervous. "So...straightforward... Well, how 'bout it?" Harry wanted to feel calm and cool and collected. He felt rather scared and had a sense of foreboding. Envy turned purple. "YOU'RE TRYING TO HIT ON ME?! YOU FREAK!!" Envy threw his mop at Harry. Harry ducked. Unfortunately for him, he was now a sitting duck. Sigh. Another sad, miserable tale to tell Giny back home. Of course, it never was his fault. All he did was be a kind old soul and ask Envy if she (he still could not get around to the fact that Envy was, indeed, a He.) needed help mopping up. Envy cursed and screamed and beat Harry into a bloody pulp and left him there, still fuming. He wanted to talk to somebody. The girls and boys in the Aphrodite cabin were too into their own reflections. No good. That Chopsticks woman? Hah. He'll be riddled with holes. Jade? Eh... Maybe... But nah. Then he cracked a laugh. Of course. He hummed under his breath, "Oh Chibi-san... I'm coming to get you..."

--

Ed worked carefully. His fingers were not used to these kind of delicate work. In the past two hours he had already broken two watches, cut the toes off a giant bronze statues and snapped a figurine of Zeus' head off. Not on purpose, off course, but a second later Thalia had stormed into his cabin and whacked him in the head. So now he was trying desperately to _not _destroy a very delicate music box. Beckendorf had told him it was Hera's. Great gods, giving him _the_ Goddess' music box to a total newbie to fix. But Beckendorf had just patted him on the shoulder and told him in a gruff voice that "he had faith in him". He very slowly inserted the ballerina figurine into the spring. Very nearly done... Almost... Beads of sweat tickled his forehead. His urge to wipe them away was strong, but the will to fix the music box perfectly was even stronger.

_SLAM_

The music box shattered into a million pieces on the floor. Ed let out a silent scream, while Envy peered in, blinded by the light of the bright neon bulb hanging above the Short One's head. Beckendorf was in the toilet. Any minute now he would come out and find Ed staring at the shattered music box, mouth hanging open, chair toppled over, and a green-haired cross-dressing freak standing by the doorway. And then most likely he'll piece two and two together, look over to Envy, suck in a deep breath, and scream his lungs out. Envy could not take that chance. He stuck his upper body in, looked around, and whipped Ed out quick as lightning, and covering his mouth so he couldn't speak. "You've just been kidnapped." He whispered in Ed's ear, and giggling, dragged the Short One over the the edge of the lake.

Ed had been unusually quiet. He just kind of looked blank and nodded at all the wrong parts and "Oh."ed at all the wrong parts too. Envy frowned. He'd claimed his Chibi so that he could have someone to complain to, but this was just getting ridiculously out of track. Envy's violet eyes sought for the sparkle of life in his Chibi's golden ones. There was none. "Chibi?" he asked, shaking Ed's shoulder rather hesitantly. Ed looked at him. Looked, but didn't see. Envy suddenly felt scared. "Chibi?" he asked again, shaking harder. Ed shifted his gaze to the rippling waters and then suddenly stood up. "Something's coming." He said, a little life coming back into his drained body. "Something?" Envy stood up too, brushing the dust off his skort. Ed cocked his ear over the the left. "Listen." he said. Then Envy heard it too. "Campers out at night, harpies eat you all right! Campers out at night, harpies eat you all right!" a chorus of ugly sing-song voices broke through the air. Envy felt his muscle tense. "Ed?" "Yeah?" "You thinking what I'm thinking?" "RUN!!" they cried in unison, running off into the general direction of the stables with a pack of hungry harpies following.

Jade shivered slightly in the cold night. She should have worn her jacket. But it didn't matter, because she would've needed to take it off later anyway. She didn't want any blood on her jacket. She quickened her pace and headed for Cabin 3, swearing to herself that she will make Percy Jackson's life as miserable as possible.

Hah! **CLIFFY AGAIN!** I am _so_ evil. Anyway, feel free to press that blue/purple button on the bottom left corner. Or I'll _make_ you. grins and laughs slightly maniac laugh Bye for now! Will be updating next week Look forward to it, 'cause Harry's gonna dream about Darth Vader. (Is the spelling right?) XD

ps. and sorry if you don't like seeing a block of words! I've tried to separate them as well as I can, but I just can't! DX Sorry!!


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N** So sorry for the late chapter, I injured my thumb! DX It hurts! And I'm also not sure about the last chapter's Italian, since I found it on the web... **A/N end**

"Harry Potter," a cold, slightly maniacal voice whispered his name in the darkness. Harry shivered. This guy reminded him of... someone.

"What do you want?" Harry tried to put on a brave face. But since his voice cracked, it didn't make much of a difference.

The voice started wheezing. It took Harry a few minutes to realize he was _laughing_.

"Dude, you have really bad asthma. Your whole 'bad guy' image is pretty much ruined."

"You do not think this voice is sexy?" There was a tinge of metallic in his voice.

"Uh..." Harry was rather lost for words. "No."

Then he heard the man 'hmph'. This was continued by a rather sulky "What do you know?"

Right then, Harry's rather dense mind went 'ka-ping!'. "You're Darth Vader!"

Darth Vader sighed and said, "Thank you for stating the obvious."

Suddenly a young man who looked like a surfer with his sandy blonde hair and blue eyes appeared in a cloud of smoke. He frowned and looked around, oblivious to Harry and Darth Vader.

Darth Vader gave a little scream, which was quickly muffled. This did not go unnoticed to Luke, and he had turned around to see the... man with his odd helmet thing.

Darth Vader took a step forward. "Luke..." He pleaded, "I am your father."

Luke started yelling. "That's just wrong! My dad is Hermes!"

Darth Vader fell silent. "Okay... Then I'm your mother."

Luke shrieked and ran into the darkness.

Darth Vader sighed. "My sons always hate me."

Harry decided that this was just too weird, and decided to wake up.

------

Percy was jerked awake by an extremely loud snore from Alex. Fuming, he rolled off his bed and opened his door, wanting to get some fresh air. That was it. He just wanted some fresh air. Was it too much to ask for?

He was stopped by a very sharp thing poking his chest. He squinted into the night and vaguely saw the outline of a girl... Jade.

She smiled sweetly up at him, her dagger already cutting a hole in his shirt. "So. I heard you made Chopsticks cry?"

Percy gulped. "Well... I didn't mean it..."

The dagger poked his flesh. "I swear! I just asked her some questions!" Percy was getting desperate now, and tried to squirm away.

Jade grinned a maniacal grin. "Be afraid..." she whispered into Percy's ear. "I can smell your fear..."

Suddenly a cold wind blew past his shoulder and he was plunged into darkness. He whimpered, turned around and fumbled with the door knob. It gave away and Percy found himself lying on the floor, drenched in cold sweat, and praying to all the gods up there that _Please, please, please don't let Jade kill him_.

------

Chopsticks made her way to the forest. She liked talking to Nico. He had made a little cozy cottage near the forest, since he scorned having a Hades cabin built specially for him. And he thought that the campers were 'a bunch of thick-headed pudding people'. Chopsticks pulled her jacket tighter around her. Unlike Jade, she did not appreciate the cold, and would trade the North Pole for Hawaii any day.

She stepped carefully over dead branches and soon reached the door of Nico's cottage. Nico had told her that his dad had famous dead architects design the place for him. "It _is_ a nice place," Chopsticks murmured.

She knocked on the door and soon Nico opened the door, letting Chopsticks pass. A fire blazed merrily in the middle, and Chopsticks gladly stretched her numb fingers towards the heat.

Nico grinned. "You've got a plan?"

"Yeah. A rather good one too, I think."

"Is that so? Anyway, who'll be the victim?"

"Not Percy, definitely. Jade already has got her claws in him."

"And so...?"

"I was thinking of asking the Stoll brothers to prank Harry Potter. That damn angsty kid. He needs a good spanking." Chopsticks' face changed into a scowl. "He's such an asshole."

Nico nodded. "I've read the books before." He said slowly.

Chopsticks brightened up considerably. "So here's the plan..."

-----

Edward Elric, the short chibi blonde, woke up in the stables with Envy next to him. He rubbed his eyes and yawned. Envy opened an eye and closed it again. "Chibi..." he muttered, oblivious to the death glare Ed was giving him when he mentioned 'chibi', which means short and cute, which meant that the green-haired cross-dressing palm tree was implying that he was short.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO TINY THAT YOU NEED A MAGNIFYING GLASS TO SEE HIM?!" Edward screamed into Envy's ear, causing the palm tree to jerk awake and cover his ears.

"I never said that," Envy retorted.

"YOU IMPLIED IT!"

"You're loud."

"I'M NOT SHORT!"

"No one said you are."

"YOU DID!"

Envy raised his eyebrow. "If you keep on screaming like that I'll have no choice but to knock you out."

Edward opened his mouth and shut it again. He's been on the receiving end of Envy's punches too many times to doubt that Envy would do exactly as he said.

Envy gave Ed a cheerful grin. "Let's go feed the horses, Edo!"

"_WHAT?!_"

"I like horses." Envy pouted and gave Ed the puppy dog face.

Ed twisted his mouth. "Well... Alright. I guess it wouldn't hurt." How wrong he was.

-----

10 minutes later the two boys came running out of the stables, with a bunch of horses chasing them. Blackjack was especially pissed, since Envy had decided it was fun to pull his tail. Unfortunately he was faster than he looked, and avoided Blackjack's flying hooves completely. Not even a graze.

"ENVY!" Ed yelled over the thundering of the horses' hooves behind him.

"Yes, o-chibi-san?"

"I HATE YOOOUUUUUUUU!!!"

"I know. Love you too."

------

Chopsticks skipped all the way to breakfast the next day.

Jade looked at her oddly, but then decided to turn back to her food.

"You seem happy."

"Mm-hmm!"

"What's up?"

"Ah.." said Chopsticks with a twinkle in her eye, "that's a secret."

Jade arched one eyebrow. "Has it got anything to do with pranking Percy?"

"Uh... No, not really..."

"Okay. Not interested."

Chopsticks flashed Jade a grin. "But make sure you have time tonight. We have a little party..."

Jade blinked, looked up at Chopsticks, stuck her tongue out at her, and went back to her scrambled eggs and ham.

Chopsticks got up and left, walking briskly to meet the Stoll brothers. "Okay, you two." She said when they came within earshot. "Everything's ready. You guys got it?"

The two brothers nodded, grinned at each other, and gave Chopsticks two thumbs up.

Ooh, Harry will be in soo much trouble.

-----

Annabeth was in a foul mood from the minute she woke up and saw Percy. She had whacked him in the head, ignored his "OW! What was that for?!" and hogged the bathroom. Now she sat outside the arena, scowling at Percy, who was training. It was obvious Percy was distracted, since he kept dropping Riptide and allowing Clarisse to hit him more often than normal. And Clarisse didn't find any fun in attacking a spineless Percy either.

"Oi Prissy! Get your armor up and moving, will you? You useless sponge cake!"

After apologizing profusely, Percy fumbled about with Riptide again, caught Annabeth's glare, faltered, and decided to rest. He capped Riptide and walked slowly towards Annabeth, leaving an annoyed Clarisse hurling insults at him.

"Hey."

Glare.

"Annabeth..."

Scowl.

"I'm sorry?"

Snort.

"Please?" Percy sighed.

A rather rude hand gesture.

Percy blinked. Whoa. Annabeth is _really_ pissed.

"Annabeth? Are you okay?"

Grunt.

"Look, I apologize for whatever I may have said or done to insult you this badly, and will you please just talk to me?"

Silence.

Percy sighed and was about to give this up as a lost cause when Annabeth grasped his sleeve.

"I forgive you." Was all she said.

----

Yeah! Four and a half pages! Next chapter: The Prank on the Angsty Kid. :D Look forward to it, people! -bows-


	5. Author's Note

Okay, this is just an author's note.

No no no, I will continue the story and all, don't worry. :D

But I may not update before November 4, and all those in the US knows what that means!

Anyhow, I just wanted to say,

**VOTE OBAMA!!!**

**PLEASE!!!**


	6. Chapter 5

**A/N-** Damn myself for not saving my work, my first half of chapter 5 (which was rather brilliantly written) is _GONE_. WHY OH WHY OH WHY..... -starts sobbing and cursing- So anyway, sorry if it seems a little odd. I absolutely detest rewriting stuff. -pulls a face- **A/N end**

------

The reason why people instinctively shy away from Harry Potter is because their body is telling them, 'Stay away! That person is eviiiiil!!'. Now, Harry Potter may not necessarily be _evil_, but he sure has a cloud of poisonous angst hanging over him, poisoning himself and those beside him. Which is why, instinctively, Clarisse decided to do something about him.

She would've done it herself, even if the two mortal girls hadn't asked for her help. And with the help of the Stoll brothers, everything is in place. And it all depends on whether Harry Potter wanted to take a shower tonight.

-----

Chopsticks was feeling grumpy today. And neither did Jade's incessant droning about the books she's read and how bored she is help.

"You really should read Mortal Instruments. It's really awesome and-"

"Jade..." Chopsticks ground through her teeth. "Shut up."

"Aww.... Somebody's a little grumpy today~"

Chopsticks just got up and left.

"HEY!" Jade shouted back at her. "Don't take it all out on Percy, okay? I still wanna castrate that ass-"

"I know, I know!"

-----

Annabeth was worrying over her homework. She hadn't _completely_ forgiven Percy, but enough to talk to him.

"I don't think whether I can remember all this stuff, Percy. I mean... I get the main idea, but the details! They always quiz you on the details!"

Percy then gave her very sage advice.

"Annabeth... The more you learn, the more you forget."

He received a whack on his head.

-----

Alex Rider was sitting by the lake, thinking his thoughts. When was he going to go back? _How_ was he going to go back? He was interrupted by a shrill scream and a girl going 'fan-girl'. He knew. Sighing, he got up and started to run.

-----

"Alex!!! Stoooooooooooooop!"

Chopsticks was yelling, and leaping over stones like a deer. All she had to do was just chase Alex around until he stopped, then she could glomp him. It's been _so_ _long_ since she's glomped someone. Besides, glomping always made one feel better. Must be the exercise.

Alex ran around in circles. His lean, mean body was _made_ to run. And also fight, dive, karate-chop bad guys, look cool and hot at the same time, run away from fangirls, and uh... -ahem- more. Anyways, he was running around in circles until he caught sight of the clashing rocks. With lava flowing down its sides. Yeah, that would do. He changed direction and let his strong legs take him over to the walls.

Oh my gods. Alex was heading for the climbing wall. Chopsticks knew, that if she hadn't caught him before he reached the wall, she'll never be able to glomp him again, and she'll _also_ have to deal with the embarrassment of failing to complete her sole mission as an Alex Rider hardcore fangirl. Glomping time. Thanks to desperation, she burst forth with sudden speed and caught Alex around his waist. He fell, and he fell hard.

"GAAAAAHH!!!"

"WHEEEE!!! I successfully glomped you!" Chopsticks said happily, crushing the breath out of Alex.

"I... can't... (wheeze)... breathe..." Alex struggled out of Chopsticks' death grip.

"No! You're not leaving until I finish glomping you!" Chopsticks pouted and gave him that puppy-dog look.

Alex's struggling slowed a bit. But only a bit. "Please... I can't... (HACK!) breathe!!"

Chopsticks loosened her hold on Alex. And he took that chance and fled.

"HEYYY!!! That's no fair!" She cried after him. "I wasn't finished with you!"

When Alex was too far away to see, Chopsticks sighed, brushed the dirt off her jeans, and made her way back to the Big House.

------

The door slammed shut and a rather tired-looking Chopsticks dragged herself over to the couch and deposited herself on it.

"Glomping unsuccessful?" Jade pulled the headphones out of her ears and asked, peering over the top of her book.

"No... Successful. Just that Alex tricked me and got away." Came the mumbled reply from the cushions.

"It's so hot in here. Have they never heard of air-conditioning?"

"Oh shut up Jade. You can go live in the North Pole if you like cold that much. At least _you_ didn't just chase after a teenage-boy-turned-spy who can run freakishly fast."

"Yeah.... Okay, whatever."

"I wish evening would come quicker."

"The party you mentioned?"

"Yeah, the party I mentioned."

-----

Ed howled in pain when Envy touched his leg.

"Ohh... You know what? I think it's broken."

"YOU THINK?!?!"

"Mm-hmm. It's definitely broken."

"YOU BROKE MY DAMN LEG, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!" Ed yelled.

"You're right, Dante _is_ a bitch."

"GAAAAAH!! You're not _helping_!!!"

"What do you want _me_ to do?"

"I don't know... Bring me to the Big House!"

"What?"

"Just.... GAAAH!! Uh.... Carry me there!"

"Um... okay..."

Ed screamed in pain again ad Envy picked him up bridal-style, and made his way to the Big House.

-----

"ZOMG Ed! What happened to you?!" Chopsticks' mouth rounded into an 'O' comically.

"He tripped on a tree root while we were running away from monster horses (Blackjack) and I think he broke his leg." Envy narrated duly.

"I tripped only because you _pushed_ me." Ed grunted through his teeth.

"Aww, Chibi-san... Don't blame other people for your own carelessness."

Ed sat up suddenly to punch him, but his leg couldn't handle all the movement and he fell back again into Envy's arm, screaming.

"That must hurt. A lot." Jade remarked, looking over Chopsticks' shoulder.

"Sigh." Chopsticks looked a bit sad. "Now we can't mess around with Ed anymore."

Jade curiously poked Ed's leg, and received a howl in return.

"Hey, it's really broken."

Envy faced Jade. "You doubted it? You thought my Chibi was lying? Ed will never lie! And he's mine!" He held Ed tighter, pouting. (For no apparent reason)

Chopsticks sighed. "So adorable. I just ADORE Edvy...."

"OMG! You like them paired up?!"

"Hell yeah! I bet Envy doesn't hate it either." Chopsticks smirked.

For once, Envy agreed whole-heartedly with her.

-----

When Ed's leg was bandaged and in a cast, the three remaining humans

(Envy? Human? Haha! You see, that's the pun, you know? Envy, human.... Okay, shutting up now.) left standing made their way into the living room.

"So Envy..." Chopsticks started, clearing her throat.

"Yes..?" Envy bit his lip, feeling a bit nervous. Would this demon girl kill him for injuring Ed? They seem to be the type who take their fun seriously... And they get serious when their fun's taken away...

"Want some chocolate cake?"

-----

Okay, whatever he was expecting, this was not it. A gorgeous ballroom stood proud, richly decorated with marble and gold, and statues stood proud across the large space. Envy whistled under his breath.

"This place is amazing."

"Yes, it is, isn't it?"

"Unfortunately, Envy, no food fights here. Horrible to clean up."

"Oh."

"Say, Jade?"

"Yes, Chopsticks?"

"It's nearly dinner time, right?"

"Yeah. We have 20 minutes."

Chopsticks grinned and high-fived Jade.

"I can't wait. I hope Clarisse has a good plan."

Envy cleared his throat.

"Erm... By any chance, I won't be the one who's being killed tonight, right?"

Chopsticks' grin turned into a leer.

"No way, Envy. You're too gorgeous to be killed, although I'd love to do other things-"

Jade stopped Chopsticks from finishing that sentence. "That's enough, Chopsticks. You're scaring the poor boy."

Envy gulped and shivered. Man that was terrifying. He's gonna be scarred for life...

"Anyhow..." Chopsticks said, with an air of grandeur, "We should go now. Don't want them asking for the hostesses and causing a ruckus, do we?"

It was only when Envy was half-way through his lamb chop did he remember that Chopsticks didn't give him the chocolate cake he was promised.

-----

Harry had a feeling of foreboding weighing down his stomach like a solid rock all day. He knew that something was up. Instinctively. He would've died by Lord Mouldypant's wand long ago if he didn't have the instinctive feel. (I prefer him dead. Oops! Sorry Harry fans... -sweatdrop-) But this time he felt odd... More dread than anything else. Shaking it off as an annoying stomach bug, he plodded his way to the Mess Hall.

Clarisse saw him coming and cackled under her breath. Turning around to the Stoll brothers, she gave them a thumbs up and winked. Her siblings shot her weird looks, but nobody dared say anything. Hey, she was Clarisse. No one messes with Clarisse.

With a gleeful look plastered upon her face, she rubbed her hands together and pictured the boy sitting at the very end of the table having his head dunked into the toilet.

-----

NO MORE!!! I'm so sorry, people! For the (very) late update and the stupid chapter, but i'm having a massive writer's block now!! T.T By the way, I NEED IDEAS!! What else do you want me to do to Harry? Please please please send in your ideas, and the more ideas I have the faster I'll write! O.O Love you all!! ^^*


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